2004-06-19 - 8:24 p.m.

Current tune: Rapture, Pedro the Lion.

Hey y'all. I did the obligatory list entry, took a break from Diaryland for a while and did my fair share of drinking, cursing and shadow boxing.

So now it only makes sense that I return to Diaryland as the old me, full of introspection and hormones.

The summer has been fairly relaxing and has me questioning how long I'll address my envelopes with a MO zip code under my name.

Work during the day is simple. I'm finishing a CD-Rom Virtual tour of the health center that is getting rave reviews not only from my boss, but also from health center's all over the country. Apparently no one has ever thought of or tried this before. That's points for me right?

Current tune: Please, U2.

Work at night is coming along slowly but surely. Athena still hasn't opened, due to lethargic fire marshalls and other slow moving red tape issues. I'm nervous for the opening. I'm coming to realize that I had some serious self image problems. Not all the time. But I do realize that my hypersensitivity tends to flare up from time to time. Sometimes I'll take a shower, put my clothes on for going out, get in my car, turn the ignition...and suddenly be flooded and overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity. I'll go upstairs, fling the clothes in a corner and sit on the couch in sweatpants the rest of the night.

I'm not sure what to attribute these episodes to. I'm not saying it's a problem, but I'm not saying it's nothing either. I'm sure there's a double negative in that last sentence.

Periodical episodes of insecurity aside, things seem to be going ok. Like I said, work is fine, friends are even better. Stephen and I just finished our 33rd game of 21 in the last two weeks. I'm currently up 18-15 for the pendelum has swung back and forth quite a few times. Steve is determined to use the summer to tone up for his new found love interest whereas I am using the b-ball time to clear my mind and sift through the clutter.

Current tune: Ch-Check it Out, Beastie Boys.

So of all my relationships, work, friends, alcohol, etc... the only one I can't make work is the one that has haunted me for the majority of this diary.

So lets try a new strategy. When I was in school and constantly around other people my age, I was always cognicient of the need to meet somebody. But now that I'm older and a little bit wiser, I think I'll just sit back and let this aspect of my life handle itself. Are things with Alicia and I ever gonna work out? I don't know. She's spending the summer in Branson and I don't think she's ready for the kind of relationship I am. When she comes back for school in the fall, she'll be a senior sorority girl and I'm beginning to get the feeling that there won't be much time for me...

Current tune: The Chimbely Sweep, The Decemberists

Which leaves me wondering, "How much longer do I stay here? What's left for me to accomplish, acheive, prove?

I let the wind blow through my hair this evening as I drove home taking Rollins St. straight through campus. I'm tired of these same streets, same buildings, same potholes to swerve from, same dirt that gets in my eyes and on my hands. Same voices that set me on edge...

Current tune: Whole Lotta Love, Led Zeppelin

But I'm not exactly gnashing at the bit to get out of here either. The adventurer in me says go while the peaceful homebody in me says stay.

But at this moment, the brooding musician says go shower and get your drink on.

Damn you brooding musician. Damn you.

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