2004-07-19 - 12:50 a.m.

I crawled into bed around 9pm tonight. Most unusual I must admit. Those of you who know me (or those of you who check the times on most of these diary entries) know that even when working two jobs, I still don't go to bed till around 1 or 2ish every night.

However, tonight I headed for bed ealry for one simple reason.

I can't shit.

Having said it, I feel much better. Well kinda, I still haven't dropped a deuce.

Perhaps I should elaborate. I know that many people will go half a day, perhaps a whole day or in some extreme cases many days without dropping the kids off at the pool. And that's fine and all. Far be it for me to judge when or how often you make a deposit at the floating bank.

But for me, I have a pretty regular schedule. I'm a two, sometimes a three time a day kinda guy. The first round almost always hits me on my lunch break, which is timely because I usually come home for lunch. The second hits me inbetween jobs around 6 in the evening, and the final makes it appearence late at night.

Now to some, that might seem like a lot, but for me it's my regular bm schedule.

That being said, I haven't been able to crap for two days now. For those people who go once a day, that would be the equivalent of not having pooped in 8-9 days.

Scary huh. I've tried everything. I've had 3 bowls of Shredded Wheat, a salad, a nectarine and plum, plenty of cranberry juice, a beer, brats and sauerkraut...

I've rubbed my stomach in a clockwise direction, done situps, sat motionless on the toilet for half an hour and even tried yoga.

All to no avail. At this point I'm already weighing my options and I'm considering trying the old anema route. It looked like a jolly good time on Jackass, and I've been told you feel much healthier and lighter afterwards.

Head count: Who's still reading at this point...

Ok so if you're still with me, lets shift gears.

I watched Big Fish tonight by myself in my comfy little faux wooded cabin type bedroom...

And I bawled like a baby at the end. I think that was due more in part to the fact that I could bawl safely and without ridicule as opposed to the emotions evoked by the movie. Don't get me wrong, it was a most splendid flick and I would recommend it to everyone. I just think that the fact I was alone inspired me to cry because I could, and I wouldn't have to answer to anyone.

So now its 1am, my bowels are still clinched tightly, the movie is over, and I'm no longer sleepy.

The night is going to shit. Haha, that would be funny if it were true.

Let this be a lesson, never take your bowels forgranted. And for all of you out there too scared to talk about this most blessed, totally natural body function, I say to thee...

POOP.

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