2004-09-02 - 10:29 a.m.

I felt it yesterday...

It was a very soft, cold breeze that blew out of nowhere. It was in the high 70's, and partly cloudy, but nowhere was there even the hint of a chill wind. And yet it came anyway. almost like a tease. Anyone who knows me or reads this traffic jam of thoughts knows that every year, I look forward to one day. My day. And it's coming. I'd say give it 4 weeks, and it'll be here. The breeze was just a tease, letting me know its on its way.

And so in honor, I've decided to dismantle my all time favorite album and explain why it has earned such a prestigious title amongst its 1400 or so peers. It's been my all time favorite album for a decade now. And while my tastes have expanded and my favorite songs have constantly changed, this has been and will most likely always be my favorite.

It started in the most innocent of ways...

I was an 8th grade nerd. I had a Zak Morris haircut, hypercolor shirt and a ridiculously innocent view of the world. I still hadn't unlocked the mysteries of sex, didn't know what getting drunk felt like, much less even tasted a drop of alcohol, and more importantly, I had no idea what real, music with a message sounded like.

Riding the bus to middle school everyday, I was content to listen to Coolio or Boys to Men or whatever was creeping out of that shitty bus radio, trying in vain to drown out the sounds of pre pubescent discord.

It was the morning of my 14th birthday. I woke up to the smell of french toast, a sure sign that my dad was up and cooking, french toast being the only breakfast food he made...but damn he made the shit out of that toast. I tried my best to look uninterested and cool about it being my birthday and whatnot, but as I rounded the corner and gazed at the presents on the table, I couldn't help myself. The smile, the excitement, it all crept across my face...

I knew what was in the box, so neatly wrapped in Baseballasaurus wrapping paper. (Remember those shirts? With the dinosaurs playing different sports?) And I knew what was in the small packages lying on top. Being the good brother I was, I let Daniel help me open the presents. Not wasting anytime, I went right for the big one.

Inside the box lay a modestly sized Casio "Boom Box" CD player. As I mentioned before, I didn't really have my ear for music yet. Oh I knew just about every word to every song on the radio, be it the golden oldies or the latest cut from Ace of Base...but I hadn't really manifested a love or a desire to seek out new music and understand it.

But all that was about to change.

The small packages were my first two cd's: Billy Joel's Turnstyles and Pianoman. If there was anything I truly loved back then, it was Billy Joel. I played the shit out of those two discs for days upon days. For the next week, I'd wake up in the morning blasting "Angry Young Man" and fall asleep to "James."

About a week later my older brother called. I told him about my new gift, and he immediately began disseminating all the albums I needed to go buy. Having only about $20 to my name, I asked him to pick one album that was new that I should go get.

He suggested Pearl Jam (Pearl Jam being his favorite group at the time) but then thought better of it.

"I know the perfect record for you. R.E.M. Automatic for the People."

Revering my older brother for the demigod he is, I hung up the phone, rode my bike to the newly constructed Wal-Mart and made my purchase.

Over the next 10 years, that album would save me from the lowest depths of depression, help me move across the country, hold onto me when I lost family and said goodbye to friends, and to this day still sculpts me as I try to feel my way through life.

And I was thinking about this the other day and decided to go through the album, song by song, and relive each memory that the song evokes. Not as an "I'm stuck in the past" kind of entry, but more like a "I need to remember these things" kind of entry.

If you're still reading this, kudos for your patience. But here's a warning: The rest of this entry is about each and every song on that album and the memories it evokes. Not exactly as much fun as my other entries, I'll assure you. But I'm doing this for me anyway, so piss off:)

Track #1: Drive

The opening track begins with a dark acoustic riff that instantly transports me to late nights of my high school life, driving home from friends or girlfriends houses. I'm untouchable, I'm young, in my car I'm above the rest of the world. My parents, my teachers, no one can tell me what to do. I have a car, I'm free. I could leave this town right now if I wanted to. And I might, I just might. The windows are down, it's a little chilly but my hooded sweatshirt keeps me warm. I'm going to be late, but I'm not worried. Any kind of punishment my parents can dish out is worth the time spent alone driving down these country roads.

Track #2: Try Not to Breathe

It's moving day. I'm 14. My parents have decided that life in Illinois would be better for us then life in Arizona. I'm too young to understand the impact of a promotion, the increase in quality of life. All I know is that Arizona has been the closest thing to home, having lived there the longest (6 years) and I was supposed to go to high school with all the friends I'd known since 3rd grade. But instead I find myself packing and cataloguing my things, alone in my room. This song is blaring and I find myself relating more and more to the lyrics. "I will try not to breathe..." I was doing my best not to cry. I had to stay strong for my mom and for my little brother. My dad had already been living in an apartment up in Illinois. We'd been packing and getting things ready for a month. My mom was a wreck. Having to move two boys and a house worth of possessions all the way across the US, without my father to help. My little brother was a mess, understanding this move even less than I did. Worried about whether or not he'd ever see his friends again. And my dad was doing his best to get things prepared for us up in Illinois. He called and we spoke briefly. He made it clear that my job was to be the man of the house. To look strong and not show any weakness. And so I did. I tried not to breathe. I packed up my things, helped the movers load the boxes and assured my mom and Daniel that everything was gonna be just fine.

Track #3 The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight

Its years later. I'm 18 or 19, a freshman in college. I'd gone to Tennessee with my family to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. My older brother had managed to make the drive up. We're out at a little hole in the wall restaurant just outside of Ducktown. I have AftP in my Discman and this song is blaring. Derrick is sitting next to me in the car as we pull up to the restaurant. As we get out, and the rest of the family goes inside, he mentions that he heard the song playing. "Yeah, I love this record. Ever since you recommended it to me. It's gotten me through some rough times," I say. "Me too," is his reply. There's a moment, we're standing alone in the parking lot, and without another word, we're sharing years worth of information and experiences with one another. His eyes and his stature are telling me what to do and what not do with my life, how to treat girls, how to party like a rockstar but still stay focused on my goals, and my eyes are telling him that he's my hero, the one guy besides my father that I truly look up to and revere. All this is being said with a single look. And then, true to himself, my brother starts moonwalking and dancing like an idiot singing the words to "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight..." Patrons of the restaurant stare out the window with a mix of confusion and maybe even fear as two dudes break-dance and do the robot to a song that only they can hear.

Track #4 Everybody Hurts

I'm 14 again. My parents have just told me we're moving to Illinois. The catch? Because my dad needs the severance package from American Express, and all my friends parents work at American Express, I'm not allowed to tell ANYONE that we're moving until one week before we leave. If AMEX was to find out that my dad already had a new job, then he wouldn't get the severance pay and we couldn't afford the new house we'd already bought. So I'm 14, its about a month before school ends, and all my friends can't stop talking about the upcoming summer, and about high school, and about how exciting its gonna be...And inside I'm dying. Nodding in agreement, making plans I know will never see fruition. All I can do is remind myself, "Everybody Hurts...so hold on...hold on..."

Track #5 New Orleans Instrumental #1

It's the summer before high school begins. We've finally settled into the house in Illinois and things are calm if not totally alright. My brother and I have met the neighborhood kids and we're trying desperately to fit in. Everyone else goes to private school and it looks like our parents (in order to keep up with the neighbors) are sending us to private school too. The neighbors are having a barbeque and the kids have set up a tent in the backyard. I've brought my boombox out to the tent and the kids my age are taking turns playing different discs. Everyone decides they want to play hide in seek in the woods out back (mainly an excuse to go smoke or make out) but I'm happy just sitting outside the tent feeling the warm summer breeze, watching the sun set. This instrumental song comes on and I'm feeling almost at peace with myself. It's 70 degrees, I'm barefoot, there's lighting bugs floating across the yard, and I'm suddenly not worried about private schools, new houses and friends, or anything at all. I'm just there. Enjoying the moment.

Track #6 Sweetness Follows

I'm 22. Back in Tennessee. This time to pay respects to my grandfather. The epitome of a Dale, he's held every job or position you can imagine. A postmaster, a judge, a shop owner, a farmer, etc... He's laying there at visitation. My older brother can't even bring himself to look. He's outside smoking and thinking about anything but my grandfather. Daniel and my mom are making the rounds, comforting my grandmother, shaking hands with friends. I'm standing next to my dad paying my respects. Everyone else is keeping a respectful distance form us. My father has his hand on my shoulder. We both know one day I'll be standing with my son. A single tear roles down his cheek. I'm not crying, I'm warm inside. I know how much my dad loves me. I know how much his father loved him. And true to the Dale spirit we walk back to join his brothers who are telling jokes and reliving every prank my grandfather pulled on them. I walk outside, try to comfort my brother. "Ready in to bury your father and your mother, what would you say if you lost another? I always wondered why did we bother, distance from one to the other...oh, sweetness follows."

Track #7 Monty Got a Raw Deal

16 and a drivers license. I'm cruising around the parking lot, waiting to take some of my teammates to Wendy's before the game. This song is playing in my car stereo. It's not evoking any specific feelings, but for some reason I attach this song to those afternoon moments between school and soccer practice/games. Sometimes I was going to Wendy's, sometimes to Walgreen’s. More often that not, I was sneaking away with my high school sweetheart, driving down old country roads, making out, talking about life, totally oblivious to the world around us.

Track #8 Ignoreland

Part of my pump up music before Indoor Soccer matches. I had a mixed CD of rawkin tracks that would get me pumped up before every indoor game. Believe it or not, I had different discs for indoor/outdoor games, home/away matches and even songs for if it was cold or hot outside. This song reminds me of all the goals I used to score. But one in particular. My high school team had an indoor team put together to keep us in shape during the downtime of winter. I was a sophomore but already a starter and even captain of the Varsity team. It was the championships of the indoor league. We were down 3-0 at half time. The other team was a veritable Who's Who of Illinois best soccer players. It was stacked with all stars I knew from other high schools, and even some foreign exchange players.

Greg Klein and I were trying desperately to get our team in gear, we were shouting, pleading, begging them to give their all in the second half. Something we said must have worked. 2 minutes into the second half, I sent a pass across the mouth of the goal and Greg was there with a brilliant header to put it in the net. 3-1. A couple minutes later I rifled shot past the keeper making it 3-2. The crowd was starting to get behind us, and the energy in the place was staggering. For the next 20 minutes our defense held strong, but we were unable to score. With 30 seconds left, things went into movie mode. The ball squirted away from the other team's mid fielder and came to rest at my feet. Greg and I worked a quick give and go and I found myself sprinting down the field with only one defender standing between me and the keeper. Time was ticking down as I approached the defender. Pulling out a Pele like move (oh I don't mind bragging about this) I left the guy with his pants down. It was just me and the keeper. He never had a chance. With 4 seconds left, I struck the ball perfectly. Every player dreams of hitting the winning shot in the "upper 90." That's the two upper corners of the goal where the posts make a 90 degree angle. A shot placed in that area is virtually unstoppable. And that's exactly where my 70mph plus shot went. Upper 90. The crowd went nuts and my team dogpiled me. We went to overtime, and I completed my hat trick by scoring the game winning goal. After the game, the other coach approached me. It turns out he was Frank Tricossi, coach of the USA United team. I was given the invitation to play for USA United in a junior world cup in England. I accepted.

Track #9 Star Me Kitten

Drunk and 23, this song creeped me out one night. It's always been a weird song, and probably my least favorite on the disc. I don't know why, but when Michael Stipe starts whispering "Fuck me kitten," I get this weird, creepy feeling. So nothing special about this song, it just creeps me out. But it feels good to be creeped out every now and then. Reminds me that I'm human.

Track #10 Man on the Moon

Ah. The first song on the album I listened to. When I bought the CD it had one of those stickers on it that said "Featuring the hit songs Man on the Moon and Everybody Hurts!" Not knowing a thing about R.E.M., I figured that was as good a place to start as any. Within the first minute of the song I was hooked. I would play this song over and over for the whole first month I had the disc. In fact, I hardly knew any of the other songs, I was so in love with this one. I knew every cryptic verse, knew that the song was about one of the greatest comedic geniuses of all time, and when the movie came out, I went and saw it 3 times in the theatre. Man on the Moon was like a gateway drug for all the R.E.M. that was to come.

Track #11 Nightswimming

The epitome of my youth. It all comes back to the summer before high school. All the uncertainty, the nail biting, the romance, the lies, the excitement. 14. Unsure of my place in the world. Late summer nights I would climb on my bike and ride around the neighborhood. It was quiet. Just me and the crickets. My only alone time. I had a route that would last me about half an hour before I arrived back at the house. During that half hour I would let all the days questions come forward. And I would peddle and patiently answer each one as best I could. I was scared, nervous about high school, a new, private, catholic high school. I was neither private, nor catholic. I didn't know anybody. I'd heard terrible rumors about the close knit cliques and how hard it would be to make friends. But it didn't matter in those quiet moments. In the years to come, I would always take solace in this song. If things were going bad, or if the world got too foreboding, I could always crawl into a corner and use this song to placate myself. But most of all, and its hard to admit this to myself. This song reminds me of my high school sweetheart Dina. We were young. We were in love. It was so innocent and so complex at the same time. It was the most adult and yet the most childish relationship I've ever had. When the song comes on, I smell her raspberry lotion, I feel her curly brown hair brush against my neck, I see her gentle smirk, and I smile. I'm 16. We're lounging on her couch after a passionate romp. Her arm is draped over me. We're making plans about growing up together, escaping her dysfunctional household, making a new life... "These things they go away...replaced by everyday..."

Track #12 Find the River

The final track on the album is a melancholy yet slightly upbeat song. The perfect ending to a walk down memory lane. It's a song about recognizing who you are, what you're made of, and where you're going. It's a song that reminds me that I have goals, I have needs, and that I can fulfill those needs and attain those goals if I want them bad enough. I'm 22, college is over. I'm drinking a gin and tonic on the porch of my apartment. I'm thinking about everything I did and didn't do in college. Letting all my regrets spill out before me. Forgiving myself for the mistakes I made. Realizing that I'm only human, and that I'll never live up to my own high standards. But I'm ok. Everything is ok.

Everything is ok.

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