2005-01-31 - 5:53 p.m.

I kept thinking while I walked, "This could be the day that manhole cover/grate gives way under my feet."

It's gray here. It's been so long since it was anything but. There's a spoltch of white from time to time. The clouds open up and blanket our sad little town with a fresh powder. It's like a temporary fix for the sun junkies. Sick of looking at the gray, begging for a lil sunshine and maybe a splash of green, they gobble up the snowy landscape, trying to justify it as "beautiful" and "pretty." They're really just jonesing for spring brake beaches and summertime love.

And strangely enough, I'm totally fine with gray. Actually its not all that strange. I think I've been loving gray for a while now.

Work is grinding towards an inevitable conclusion. Word must have gotten out about my potential job offers so the workload has been piling up. Any and every job, including those completely unrelated to my position, are floating across my desk with red marker "Urgent!"'s "ASAP"'s and "Hurry!"'s. It's ok though. With robotlike fashion I churn them out, not even sticking around for the thank you's. I walked out of my boss's office in mid-praise the other day without a second thought. The focus is getting out and reveling in some kind of egotistical self-worth isn't going to make that happen.

Love is nowhere. Lust is seemingly everywhere. Every night the bar closes and another pair of squinty eyes meets me offering unspoken requests for passion in the evening and conversation in the morning. My body seems only willing to give the former and in true stereotypical male style, none of the latter. Honest attempts at opening me up and understanding me have been made by beautiful girls and I just wave them off.

I feel shitty about it. And at the same time I don't. Which of course makes me feel even shittier.

Different voices are whispering sweet nothings in my ear day in and day out. It's just too bad I'm deaf.

Love would be wonderful. It would be welcomed and nourished. But I don't think it's here. I'm finding myself lustfully attracted to woman after woman, but never really feeling or finding that spark, that catalyst that changes fucking into making love, chatting into conversing, etc...

So no complaints, no worries, and a half hearted apology to anyone who's trying to make me love them. It's not you, as you can tell, it's me.

So what next?

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