2005-02-14 - 4:30 p.m.

Dudes. Band together with me. As single men, we're not going to scorn the abscence of a significant other on this Day of St. Valentine.

That's just too cliche. All this talk of "I hate Valentine's Day" and "This sucks being alone," ad nauseum...

Nope. I've developed 10 ironclad, bulletproof, solid as a candy conversation heart, reasons why being single on this Hallmark Holiday is a blessing in disguise.

1) The most obvious. You're not spending time and (most importantly) money on a dinner at an overpriced restuarant, a (probably) really bad cheesy romantic comedy flick, and some mass-produced, hardly attractive gas station bought boquet of roses. Instead, you've got cash to buy some booze, rent a descent Blockbuster movie, and maybe even supersize that #2.

2) You won't ever feel the cold, uncaring stare of a partner who will eventually break up with you. I mean, for real. How many of you with significant others are convinced this is the one? Hmmm? I thought so. So now, after you go through the motions of spending money, investing your time and your emotions, you can stare deep into your partners eyes and know that one day soon, they might be dumping your ass and boning some jerk in your place. It aint pretty, but it happens.

3) No nerves or uncertainity over whether your partner will enjoy or even appreciate the effort you put into this "special" night. So unless you can disappoint yourself somehow, (say by wetting your pants or suddenly developing impotence) you've got this one licked.

4) You get to avoid the mass of silly V-Day crap that you accumulate that has little or no meaning and/or value. Need another teddy bear holding a heart? Can't live another day without a Hallmark card? Looking for the right socks speckled with hearts to show the world how in love you are? Of course you aren't. And now you don't have to waste precious time trying to figure out if that bear is recyclabe or not.

5) NO GOD AWFUL MIXED TAPES/CD's OF MOOD MUSIC. Holy Christ. This could be my #1. It seems like such a good idea at first. But trust me, this is not worth the effort. Undoubtably your partner won't recognize anything that isn't R&B or rap and won't have any appreciation what-so-ever for an old Patsy Cline song or rare, hard to find Wilco cover. And IF you're so lucky to earn yourself sex on V-Day night, you're not going to last from track 1 to track 15 cowboy. Forget the mixed CD. Go with the comfortable drone of late night TV or even one of those pure mood CD's. Boning to the sounds of whales is as erotic as it gets.

6) No ingesting of those fucking god-awful candy conversaton hearts. I've got it on good authority that even once you chomp them into a fine powder, that dust settles in your insides and stays there like a fine residue, slowly clogging your arteries and choking the life out of you. "Be Mine!" Yeah right. Not if you're trying to kill me.

7) No comparison of your partner and your relationship to the bazillion other couples out on dates. Trust me guys, your woman will be doing this. She'll be looking at other relationships, regardless of whther you've been together for 10 years or 10 minutes. She'll want magic and romance just like (actually more so) than the other couples. So if another guy is opening a door for his woman, you'd better open your woman's door, then prostrate yourself and let her use your back as a door mat. Better yet, remove the door completely, along with your pride and manhood.

8) No begging for sex. Did your gifts and affection win you sex? Are you sure? Hellboy, a half dozen of half-dead roses and pizza sounded like a great idea at the time but is that calloused handjob material or bonafide freakfest worthy? Guess what. When youre single, you can be as bad as you want to be. Rent that trashy porn. Go the whole nine yards. You've earned it.

9) The potential for meeting another lonely heart. And lets face it. If shes feeling half as lonely and as desperate as we are, it shouldn't be too difficult to turn a first semi-drunken encounter at a bar into a nice romp in the sheets. Sure ladies, deny it, but we all know the truth. A few amaretto sours and a shot of Cuervo and your ready to put the "V" in V-Day.

10) Plenty of time to write clever rants like this one. Ahhhh loneliness. How are you my old friend.

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