2005-03-24 - 9:24 a.m.

It was my sincerest hope that when I graduated college and headed out into the (pardon the cliche) real world, I would leave behind the scattered regrets and subconscious worries that plagued me throughout the majority of my higher education. (For example see: 2/3 of this journal)

Anywho, having landed this University job, I realize I didn't get nearly far enough away from the college setting. I'm still waking up in the morning, wondering if my hair looks ok, if my clothes are professional enough, but at the same time uber-cool enough for the continuous traffic of sorority boys and girls and that parade through the office day and day out...

Eh, just ramblin. Let's change the subject.

Last night I watched the movie Adaptation. Lying atop crumpled sheets, with a lil pint of Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream (the 8th, forgotten sin) I struggled with the movie for a while before finally giving in and admitting that it was a genuinely good flick and worth the two hours I spent watching it.

Of course by this time it was 2am and I was pissed at myself for having stayed up so late... again.

I'm feeling the shift once again. I've had my fun and now I'm becoming acutely aware of that small hole in my heart that begs to be filled with a relationship with someone. Our lives (or maybe my life?) really do reflect the physics of a pendelum. We're always swinging back and forth, some of us more violently and with greater haste, some of us spending a little more time suspended on one side then the other, but overall, we just keep swinging back and forth.

I was thinking about the impact of being mindfull of your current situation and taking the small steps necessary to start a movement in the oppositte direction of your current mood.

For example: If I feel that I've dipped into a realm of depression and unhappiness, I have a small routine that seems to work every time. I come home, lay in my bed for half an hour and put my music on shuffle. I close my eyes and allow the thoughts and worries that have plagued my mind to flow softly inbetween my ears. I don't stress over them, I don't try to give them names or reconcile them, I simply allow them to exist. I remove them from the context of my life and look at them in a broader sense. Often times I cease to see them as "my" problems, but more as problems in the general sense. I think about times I've encountered problems like this one and how I've dealt with it. This immediately sparks a change, perhaps its a chemical one in my brain, but I like to think it's something more than that.

My mood lightens and I become aware of myself in the physical sense. I notice how tense all of my muscles are and I allow myself to sink into the bed. At this point I'm consciously aware and simultaneously fascinated by my body and the way it works. I'm suddenly inspired to go to the gym and run for a while before working out. The second I step out the door and make the conscious decision to go to the gym, my mood improves significantly again. Getting there, struggling and then completing the workout continue that mood swing in the upward direction.

By now the problem plaguing me has taken shape and has more than likely provided me the means by which to vanquish it. My heightened mood is reflected in my face and my mannerisms, resulting in higher tips at the bar, higher productivity at the health center, more productive and happier interactions with friends and family...

I need to switch to decaffinated.

Anywho, tonight Stephen and I are taking a much needed sabatical and heading out to St Louis for the night to meet up with Ryan. God bless these fleeting moments. We'll be back tomorrow, hung over, but hopefully a little more mindfull.

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