2005-09-21 - 11:05 a.m.

I was standing over the urinal this morning, taking a piss. The awful waft of coffee that has been processed by the endocrine system easily overpowered the modest urinal mint that had dwindled down to a decayed disc. And I was thinking about love.

I stared straight ahead at the mildew crusted off-white tile that decorates the walls of the SHC bathroom, occasionally glancing at the steady pool of yellow forming in the bowl, and I was thinking about love.

I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the idea of a relationship that "blossoms" so to speak. By that I mean the dating process in which you meet someone and initially its just "ok" but as time passes it becomes "fantastic."

Perhaps I've just gotten older and thus a little more jaded, but shouldn't I just "know" the minute I meet the right person? What's the idea behind dating? It seems to me that by now, I should know the basics of what I want, the characterisitcs that will equal a successful relationship...

So why the courtship? Unless of course it serves as a chance to get out while the getting's good. And that's what it is I think. I think that when you first meet someone, you know right off the bat if it's the one or not. And the dating serves only to let you pick apart the things you don't like.

It seems like all married couples I know pride themselves on "knowing" that the minute they met their spouse, they were going to get married and live together. "Oh when I met Tom, I just knew it was love at first sight."

No one says that about the three year relationship that ended in a messy, emotional, break-up. "Oh when I met Mary I just knew it was going to be roses until about 34 months down the road when I would suddenly grow bored with her and fuck her roomate."

So then it seems to me that to date is simply to give yourself enough time to find one or two things about the other person that you can't stand, that will serve as your "I gotta get out this" justification.

So I'm shaking off the final drops and thinking about love. By the time I finish washing my hands, I'm very aware that with a mindset like that, I may never find love. And much to my own surprise, I'm not really bothered by the thought. For what have I always been, but a loner? From the very beginning I was singled out, poked and prodded, always alone.

And it's not depressing. In some ways it's kind of liberating. Perhaps I'll get married... perhaps I won't. Maybe I'll live a long single life, pursuing dreams and making choices that don't have to be double-checked with a spouse.

Either way, come what may, I think I'll be alright.

But of course, to set at ease the minds of my critics, I wish the rest of you love and a beautiful future with that special someone. The gas station roses, the wal-mart b-day cards, the hurried purchases in the department stores, all of it...

If you find love, wrap yourself deep inside it, and try not to pick it apart. There are more than enough of us cynics, the world doesn't need another one:)

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