2006-05-10 - 2:08 p.m.

Sitting at a farewell lunch today for a coworker, one of the women I work with offered to break the awkward "we're kinda/sorta gonna miss you silence" with a totally random tangent on urinals and how gross they can be. The table, all too happy to join in and escape the awkward silence, offered up their own opinions on urinals until we happened upon the conversation of men and their urinal approaches.

Being the only male representative at the table of women, I of course was looked to for my input and opinion. Well versed upon the subject, and feeling like a bonafide expert, I explained to the ladies that in my travels I'd come upon 5 types of urinal approaches that men like to use. And I'll share them with you faithful reader.

1) The Superman. By far, my absolute favorite. This approach or stance is often seen amongst men over the age of 40... more often than not, older white men (think golfing buddies). The urinator approaches the urinal, places one hand on his hip, and using the other unzips his fly in a quick and casual manner. He spreads his feet a little, forming a solid base and once his piece is out and dangling a safe distance from his dockers, he places his free hand on his other hip and stands like a superhero waiting for a crime to be committed. He faces straightforward, eyes never moving from a fixed spot on the wall. He is absolutely confident, showing no fear that he might accidently splash or tinkle on himself. He is stoic, proud, and master of his piss. He is the Superman.

2) The drunk. As you might have guessed, this stance is often displayed by the young male whos had a little too much to drink. It can also be performed by a tired worker, who might find himself seemingly alone in a public bathroom. The urinator approaches the urinal and immediately places one had against the wall and uses it to hold himself up while he pees. This is often accompanied by a spray of piss that may or may not make it completely and cleanly into the urinal. His eyes are more often than not concentrated on his piece and the stream gushing forth, in the attempt to keep it off of his shoes. This pisser is occasionaly seen droning into a cell phone, perhaps looking for a ride home or even bartering for a late night hook-up. *Sidenote: This type of pisser will almost NEVER wash his hands after the urination. Watch out for high fives from this guy.

3) The silent prayer. This urinator can be of any age, race or religion. He will approach the urinal in haste, obviously in dire need of relief. He will use one or both hands to prepare himself and may even sway a little bit in anticipation. Once urination begins, he will offer up an audible sigh of relaxation and then proceed to spend the remainder of the pee with his head arched backwards, eyes closed, as if he were acknowleding a higher power. Once finished he may signal his relief with a whistle or slight chuckle. He may continue the whistle all the way to the sink where he will appear very rested and pleased with himself. On the way out he will almost always "shoot a basket" with the paper towel.

4) "The Comedian" AKA "The Longshot". This breed of urinator is most often found in high school or even elemntary school bathrooms, although he has been known to rear his head in bar and fraternity bathrooms as well. Usually surrounded by other urinators, the comedian or longshot will begin his urination and then use a series of grunts or laughter to attract the attention of other urinators. Once he is convinced he has their attention, he will begin taking steps backward, while still arching his stream into the urinal. The other urinators may chuckle or look away in embarassment, but the comedian or longshot will continue to step back, regardless of other men entering the bathroom. He will become quite absorbed in his feat and may begin bragging about his proweress in bed, though it is entirely unrelated. Once he is nearing completion, he will race back towards the urinal, often spraying and resulting in a mess.

5) The creepy eyes. Ah yes. The creepy eyes pisser. Usually a man in his 40-50's, the Creepy Eyes will often approach a urinal that is next to a current urinator, despite the abundance of urinals open further down the line. Before unzipping he will take a quick glance at his neighbor's piece using what he thinks is an inconspicuous glance. Throughout the process, he will repeat this glance, perhaps comparing or maybe even oogling his neighbor's weiner. Once the process is complete, he will hastily zip back up and dash from the bathroom, neglecting the faucet and mirrors in an attempt to escape anonymously. Most definitely the most despised and feared of the urinators.

So there you have it. After my explanation, the conversation drifted back to the uneasy silence... a silence perhaps perferred to the indepth urination speech I had so eloquently delivered. Oh well.

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