2006-06-08 - 5:01 p.m.

*A quick note before you read this, it was written quite brashly and may or may not even be true. I think it was an experiment in writing like a jerk. I'm pretty sure in that manner, it succeeds. Read on at your own volition. I've been a bit of a homebody lately, leaving the domicile only for work or the gym. Economical and anxiety related issues have kept me from venturing back out into the bar scene, so I've been keeping to myself and gardening. Ok so my friend Amanda was tired of hearing me whine about being alone so she invites me to a happy hour where there will be "lots of single girls."

So after a little deflecting, I finally bite but not before enlisiting Rob to roll with me. That conversation goes like this:

D: Hey Rob, go with me to a happy hour.
R: Eh, I'm on my way home and...
D: There will be girls.
R: Be there in ten minutes.

So predictable, and don't I just love him for it. So anywho we meet up at Flatbranch and thus begins a silly night out that deserves documentation in chronological styling:

6:15pm - Rob and I waltz into the bar and spot Amanda and her group of friends sitting at a table near the bar. The place is crowded and noisy and our entrance goes relatively unnoticed. Amanda sees me and waves me over. She's looking fantastic, and so are two of the three ladies sitting with her. Also at the table is a guy that has douchebag written all over his face, he introduces himself as John and I count him as a potential cockblock or possibly competition. I eyeball him and decide in a fight, he would probably win. I introduce Rob and order a Jack and Coke to settle the nerves. I had planned on drinking beer, and not much of it, but the proximity of these attractive, young business women is making me a little...nervous? Who would have thunk it.

6:22 - I'm done with the Jack and Coke and the conversation is moving along smoothly. The ladies are interesting and it turns out I know one of them as an ex-girlfriend of a guy I used to work with.

6:24 - Hot, tipsy girl shows us a picture of the gigantic dildo she got from Douchebag for her birthday. I ask if they're together. They are not. For the remainder of our time at Flatbranch, I can't stop envisioning her using the gigantic, sparkly, cactus looking device on her downstairs dance floor.

6:30 - My beer finally arrives. Our waitress looks like she hates her job almost as much as she hates men. I picture her and dildo girl getting it on.

6:55 - This beer lasts a little longer then I thought it would. I congratulate myself on stretching it out. I slip into my charming mode and throw my little clever comments in from time to time. The group always laughs, a good genunie laugh, not contrived ha-ha's. I decide I like this group and they will be my new best friends.

7:15 - I'm on beer 3, and the awesome Flatbranch Irish Red Ale is sliding down my throat way too easily. Conversation at the table has turned to DUI stories and sexual escapades and is getting gradually louder. I sit back and play the commentator. Douchebag turns out to be a really nice guy. I reprimand myself for misjudging him and we quickly become buds.

7:40 - I'm feeling a buzz and as I get up to go the bathroom, I put on my poker face and try to hide the fact that I may or may not be kinda drunk already.

7:43 - On my way back to the table, I hear shouts of disbelief and Rob exclaiming "It's True!" I pray he's not telling some story about one of my random hook-ups. Luckily he's not. He's instead revealing to the table that he once masturbated 23 times in 10 and a half hours. Douchebag (ok now he's NiceGuy) Niceguy calls shennanigans, and I agree with him. The sheer physics of the act are mind boggling, let alone the dehydration and carpal tunnel that would have set in somewhere around #9. Rob sticks to his guns and swears it happened. At this point I realize that everyone at the table is technically "drunk" and I loosen up a bit.

7:45 - Dildo hot girl counters Rob by saying she had 5 orgasms in 5 minutes. The table loves it and as the applause dies down, I ask her if she wants to try for 6. Everyone except Amanda thinks its funny. Dildo slides her leg up mine under the table. Since Amanda has her hand on my other leg, I hope neither of them notice. They don't. I'm getting a nice two-way leg massage under the table. Life is good.

8:00 - NiceGuy's girlfriend shows up. She has brand new boobies that he bought her. They look great...except that she's tiny and they're large D's. Her nipples are so hard it's impossible not to look. NiceGuy, Rob and I then spend about 20 minutes guy chatting about boobs.

8:20 - Rob gets a call from Marcus. My archenemy I used to bartend with. Marcus is That Guy. He's a big muscle headed dick, but he's relatively intelligent. He treats girls like trash and then pretends to reveal a fake sincere side to them just so they pity him and he can bang them. I've seen him do this to a hundred girls. No exaggeration. He's a douche. He hates me and I hate him. Rob invites him to Flatbranch.

8:35 - Marcus shows up and we make brief eye contact. Predictably he saddles up next to Dildo. She's drunk and loves his muscles. I lose one half of my leg massage. I think about hurling my pint glass across the table but I let it slide.

8:45 - Dildo reveals to the table that Amanda and I use to bone. Just like that. The table loves the gossip and I feel a mix of pride and embarrassment. Amanda looks like she wants to mount me right there on the table. Her hand continues to slide higher.

8:55 - Marcus and Rob leave for Quinitns and Amanda suggests that the rest of us go back to her place and get in the hottub. The groups agrees and I find myself wondering if I should, knowing that Amanda has a boyfriend, and if I end up at her house, nothing morally good will come of it.

8:56 - With the group waiting on my decision I challenge Amanda to a beer chug to buy me some extra time. We both have full beers. She beats me by half a second and the look in her eyes says "I don't have a boyfriend, I want sex, and I want it now." I know she has a boyfriend, and I don't need the "cheaters" crew knocking on my door, so somehow I bow out of it. I get mine and Amanda's tabs and decide to head towards Quintins.

9:00 - I stumble out of Flatbranch. A family finishing dinner at a table eyeballs me and I get the feeling I'm probably walking a little funny. Quintin's is only 4 blocks away so I opt to walk.

9:05 - I walk into Quinitns and drop into the booth with Rob and Marcus. I order a Jack on the rocks, twist of lime, and consider the girls in the bar. I don't find any of them attractive. I wonder if I should go home.

9:10 - A girl sits down at our booth and says she knows me. She turns out to be one of my MySpace friends. She's also a realtor who works at ReMax and knows my good friend Jason. I call him and convince him to come out, partly because I want to hang out with him, and also because I want this girl to stop talking to me.

9:20 - My friend Audrey shows up and I am happy.

9:30 - After ten straight minutes of the girl talking to me, Audrey senses my desperation and tells her that I'm gay. She's on the verge of believing it and I seal the deal by grabbing a nice big hadfull of Audrey's boob and announcing to the bar that "I don't like this one bit." I like Audrey's boobs and decide that throughout the night I will need to keep reproving my gayness. I prove it somewhere around 14 times. She doesn't seem to mind.

10:00 - Dana calls and says she and some friends are at Tellers. Tellers is a snotty, somewhat upscale martini bar about two blocks away. I call Jason and tell him to meet us there. Audrey rolls with me and we leave annoying girl and Rob and Marcus to their own devices. I confide to Audrey that I might be drunk and to make sure I don't walk out in front of a car.

10:04 - We get to Tellers and I introduce myself to Dana's two girlfriends and take a drink from each of their glasses. One friend thinks its funny the other looks at me like I'm a homeless man. I decide she's no fun.

10:05 - I change my tune, the no fun girl is hot and I make it my personal goal to be with her by the end of the night. I look up to see Dana mouthing "Are you wasted?" to me. Outloud I say, "I'm not drunk!" I am very drunk.

10:12 - I order another Jack on the Rocks, and Jason walks in. He's a jovial fellow and finds my intoxication amusing. He sits next to NoFunGirl and I use all my Jedi powers to make her not like him. I think it's working.

10:13 - It's not working. They're chatting it up and I am jealous. I grab Audrey's boob again and tell the table I'm not gay. I forget that they weren't at Quinitns for the joke. I look like I'm insane.

10:15 - The jack is gone, I don't know if I drank it or if Audrey poured it out. Either way, I signal our waiter shouting "Garcon! Booze!" He pretends not to hear me.

10:20 - Jason comes back to the table, I didn't even realize he was gone. He's brought me a Cranberry and Vodka. What a guy. I drink it like it's lemonade on a hot summer day.

10:45 - I haven't contributed a word to the table conversation for almost 25 minutes. I'm trying very hard not to lay down on the floor.

11:00 - Dana starts in on the only topic that could rouse me from my pseudo-coma. She asks my opinion on a band. I launch into a brilliant 10 minute diatribe about the band and the state of music as a whole currently. The table actually seems interested and impressed. Or I'm very drunk.

11:15 - The girls decide they want to go to Flatbranch. I am tired of Tellers and its snotty atmosphere and I tell the closest patrons about it. They ignore me until one of the girls recognizes me and says "David?". I don't know her name and I play the ignore game back at them.

11:20 - I'm standing outside. I don't remember leaving, and I certainly don't remember paying a tab. Audrey and Jason are standing with me. I start laughing maniaclly and I tell them that we have to run, for I have left without paying a tab. I tell some other people on the sidewalk that I have committed a booze-runoff, comparable to a drive-off from a gas station. I am my own hero.

11:25 - We are walking towards Flatbranch when Audrey suggests we stop at the Red Snapper since she knows the bartender. The RS is a dive bar that the locals love but the college crowd steers clear of. I love it. The floor looks like cafeteria tiles from elementary school and the bar is nothing but a shelf with a cash register.

11:30 - We start throwing darts. I confide to the table closest to the dartboard that I am an international dart champion and that they are safe and need not move.

11:34 - My fifth dart lands on their table.

11:35 - I am holding a Bud Light, standing on one foot and still throwing darts. At this point, I have stopped drinking and the beer is for decoration only.

11:52 - Calling my last shot, I let the dart fly and it sinks right into the 14 spot I needed. I somehow beat Jason and Audrey in a game that requires precision, even though in my state, I probably couldn't even tell you my middle name. I let the bar know about it, and I watch a woman at a table mouth to her husband "What a fucking drunk."

12:00 - We stumble out of the bar and I decide that this is my last chance to get home "safely." I say bye to the two and I start to run across the street back towards my car. Approaching the curb I totally misjudge it and trip and land so hard my palms start bleeding. I can't stop laughing and I can tell that Audrey fears for my life.

12:05 - Like the idiot I am at that point I determine I can drive myself home. I will curse myself endlessly in the morning for this decision, but luckily I get home alright without hurting myself or anyone else.

I sleep in and have to make up an excuse for my lateness to work this morning. I carry my hangover like a badge of courage. This is why I go out about once every two months. I am a mess.

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