2008-12-03 - 3:07 p.m.

Nestled quietly in between two massive holidays, licking my wounds and contemplating what the remainder of the year could possibly have in store.

I feel like I'm under the gun with this law school stuff while people close to me are under the knife thanks to either the creepy crawl of cancer or the jabbing intrusion of a foreign cyst.

Either way life feels unbalanced and slipping into the red. The job is the same as its always been and thus offers no solace or sense of accomplishment. Robotically I put the pegs in their places and hold a palm out to receive the monthly stipend that pays the mortgages and buys the occasional bottle of whiskey.

Shit or get off the pot was the rallying cry of my early 20's. And here I am shitting away, flinging proverbial feces at the wall hoping something will stick. Submitting job applications that never even resulted in a single goddamn interview, law school hopes that as of now show no signs of materializing, and the consistent comparisons to siblings and friends...

The first half of 27 passed by without a single landmark to speak of. And thus after some serious soul searching, it was determined that the latter half would be one of great awakenings and steady strides forward.

A wedding was celebrated, a marathon was run, the LSAT was conquered, a portfolio was created, law school was applied to...

And then family members decided to fight and grudges were born and the first rounds of "Thanks for applying but..." arrived via email, and cancer came a-callin and surgeries took up the bulk of conversations.

And it leaves you wondering... "When I didn't try, when I was content with mediocre pay and mediocre effort, there weren't any awesome highs, but there certainly weren't any serious lows. Is all of this struggle really worth it?"

A ridiculous question. Of course it is. But I wouldn't be human if I didn't question my own motives from time to time and throw the occasional pity party for myself.

It's hump day. Tomorrow is counseling, Friday is Jo's birthday celebration at the Berg. Saturday is Jo's real birthday, Sunday is the Sabbath.

You wouldn't know it, but this is my favorite time of the year.

Listening to "New Year's Eve" by the Golden Birds

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